That ☝ is what I've been thinking about as I gaze out my kitchen window on this first day of March....
The quote above was used in an article to illustrate what it means to discover where you belong and who you belong with. The writer admonished, "The best way to do that is to be aggressive as you search far and wide for clues, even in seemingly unlikely places that maybe you would never guess contain scraps of home."
This is what has been on my mind lately.....this matter of belonging somewhere. From time to time I complain to Ken that I feel adrift. I know it centers around the fact that for the first 28 years of my life focus was on becoming a mother. I plotted out my life from the time I was a child around that hopeful eventuality. Then I spent the next 32 years being a mother, the end marked by the day my youngest moved out on his own after college. These past 3 years I've "searched far and wide for clues" for something to fill the empty space. I have plenty of interests to keep me busy, but nothing that has been as fulfilling and purposeful as being a mother to my three sons. I realize now what I've been searching for is "home" as defined above--the "place" where I belong. For me, it's more about defining who am I now, this "place" that I'm searching for. I'm still a wife, a mother, and will soon be a grandmother, but each of my roles have changed in ways that seem foreign to me. I don't quite know how to fill them.
So my question this month is: Do you say "home" is where you came from....that your earlier years have defined who you are and you're comfortable with who that person (you) is now? Or, are you of the mind that you're still searching for "home"...for what you are yet to become? If so, have you found "scraps" of it. Where? Has it been intentional, or did you just stumble upon these pieces of "home"? Do you think how you feel about who you are would change if your circumstances changed?
I could never understand why some people, when they retire, leave everything they've known and start over in Florida or some such place. I think I understand now.....if I were to do such a thing I know it would be so I wouldn't have to answer those questions I've posed. Starting over has great appeal to me.
So, I'd like to start a conversation about what you've done or plan to do as soon as you're able. Do you see yourself being able to stay put and look for the pieces in order to feel "at home"? Or would you rather start from scratch in a "new and different" life?
Here is the view out my other window as you contemplate my question....
Wow Cathy, deep thoughts here. For me, I've never wanted to move around or up as several of our friends have. We have lived in our home for 41 years. It would be very difficult to leave the place I've "grown up" in. Having raised our children here, there are many memories that fill these walls. Being sentimental, I can still "see" our children playing games in our backyard. Now they bring their children here to do the same. I've thought many times if I should stay here if I were alone. Don't like to think about that, but know I should. Home for me is where my husband and I live and love. There are definitely seasons of life and now that we are no longer parents of young children we must find where we belong. Pondering your thoughts, friend. ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts about this, Martha Ellen. I feel the same way you do, but at times looking out at the empty play yard and "seeing" my young children at play and knowing that time is gone forever.....well, I either need to move on or find a replacement. When I got my dog I saw him as a replacement--my perpetual toddler--but it's just not the same. But, we've been here 32 years and are just now having a grandchild so I will hang in there and see what comes. It's just that in the meantime I feel at loose ends!
DeleteI understand how you feel Cathy. Being a mother has and always will be my most important job. It's not the same as when they were small, but important just the same. I've found that being a grandmother has helped to fill a void. You are going to be surprised how wonderful having a grandchild will be. It's not the same as it was with our babies, but there is an amazing bond you feel when you first hold that child. I hope for you the joy I feel about my grandchildren! xoxo ♥
DeleteMartha Ellen, Much has happened since I wrote yesterday. Go to Another Perfect Day to see how I'm feeling today! ☺
DeleteHi, Cathy - and great question! Probably because I've never been married or had kids, whenever I hear the word "home" I still think of my childhood home, with my parents, siblings, all our pets, our neighbors etc - and obviously all the memories created there. I'm willing to bet that the mothers out there will think of "home" very much as you and Martha have described it. I think you somehow "move on" as a woman when you have your own family, because you've created your own home then. But if not, home is probably going to be your childhood home. Although I've lived in my current apartment for nearly 13 years - and my previous for 14, so I've had good long stretches in my "own" adult homes as well and that means something to me. I like the feeling of being "settled" in a place - even if it is on my own.
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DeleteJanet, It sounds like you didn't define yourself by something else--even your job it sounds like. That really is the key to transitioning the changes that come with life. I just posted a new Post on my other blog Another Perfect Day that is on that very topic.
I think you're right, Cathy. I never have felt defined by a single role. I guess there are even benefits to being single and childless! I do know that although I think I would have liked marriage and children, I never have felt bad about not having it. Or been desperate to achieve it, the way some people are. They marry virtually anyone, just to get married. I really think I got stuck on something my dad always said. Do something right or don't do it at all. He didn't mean perfect either, just as well as you are capable of doing it. And I have been lucky in knowing what was right for me. Most of the time anyway... Talk to you soon!
DeleteI was too boy crazy when I met my husband at age 15 to consider never marrying. Even though I always wanted to have children I did think long and hard about bringing them into this world, but my desire to be a mother was just too strong for me. That is how I came to get my first cat. I needed something to nurture until we could afford for me to quit work. I agree with your Dad's philosophy. I didn't feel I could be the best mother I could be and be the best at my career at the same time, so I chose what my heart wanted.
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