Before the tender age of three I had gotten lost twice, according to my mother. The first time was in a soybean field behind our house when I was two. The second time I took my little red wagon and my dog, Tuffy (above) with me. I don't know how long I was gone or how far I got, but the police found me plodding along down the sidewalk. I don't know why my mother says I was lost. I knew exactly where I was going!
It has been that way my entire life--I've always known what I wanted out of life and had a knack for figuring out how to arrive there.....until recently, that is. These last few years of transitioning from being a Mom of three sons (my youngest only just moved out 8 years ago) to not being a Mom (I had no other identity) has not gone as smoothly as I'd imagined. What I'd imagined was that I would always be a Mom. Anyone who has had only sons will understand. The old adage about a daughter being a daughter for life but a son only a son until he takes a wife is TRUE! At least in the American culture it is.
But I feel I am finally coming out of the funk I've been in for the past two years. The funk began when I realized that my dream of publishing my children's story, Gabriel's Tale, was just that--a dream. It had come to symbolize my next chapter in my life: Published Author. So, now what?
NOW WHAT?!
I lost my desire to write or to continue to learn to draw and paint. Then Gabriel, my Westie who along with Poetry are the protagonists in my stories, became ill, and I had to let him go last June 17th. His death held double meaning for me. Not only had I lost my wonderful companion of 11 years, but "Poetry & Gabriel" were no longer to be in real life either. My next chapter in life felt as though it could not be written. But then ten days after Gabriel's death I found myself writing about the lessons I was learning from the life and death of Gabriel (See Lessons From Gabriel and Lesson #8).
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As summer begins to move into Autumn and the leaves begin to change into beautiful colors of red, gold and orange, I am ready to make some changes in my life. I've been examining all the activities with which I've filled my time over the years that I no longer do: the list is long and varied, creative and administrative. I once had my handwriting analyzed and it was noted that because I do not leave a border on the page, it was an indication that I cram my life, too. This has proven to be true, as well. I've been a jack of all trades, master of none.
But now, I am at a crossroads and find I must take the road less traveled. . . .
Less traveled for me, that is. When hiking I prefer circuit trails because I do not like to retrace my steps, so I do not understand why I've been trying to go back over the territory I've already hiked in my life!
WHAT NOW?!
What now looks like this:
- waking up each day grateful that I am alive
- not wasting my time on things that don't interest me unless it benefits someone else
- spending more time just noticing the people and places I find myself with/in
- trusting that I'm already on the path God prepared for me and that I don't need to see beyond the next few steps......
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| A lamp to my feet is your Word, a light to my path. - Psalm 119:105 |
Before I go, I have a favor to ask of you, my reader. I started blogging in 2012 for a specific reason that no longer fits into the new parameters for what I do with my time. I need to know whether what I have to say is interesting to you or not, if I'm to continue blogging here or on my various other blogs. To that end, I've included at the bottom of each post, just below my name above the comments section, a check-box called "interesting." Clicking on it will let me know you found it worth your time. This way you don't need to leave a comment if you don't want to. This will help me decide whether to continue putting my thoughts out there in the Blogosphere or not.
THANKS SO MUCH!
I would be very sad to see you stop blogging, for I always find something of value and inspiring in your words. I am so sorry Gabriel has left this earthly realm, and I know that in itself is hard for you to bear. I think we all lose sight of our purpose from time to time, and it can cause upheaval as we undergo a major rethink. I, too, am at such a crossroads, so I hope in time we will both find our ways back to the muse, and leave the foggy funk behind.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Deborah, for your caring words. You've always been so good with expressing your thoughts and feelings! I know your heart must still hurt from losing your mom so I know you understand. It does get easier, but will never entirely go away--the feelings of loss. I hope you will find your way back to your place of peace and joy where the muse lives for sure! I'm counting on it, too!
DeleteDear Cathy, I am not as good as my friend Deb is at expressing my thoughts, but I would be so sad not to see you here writing your thoughts about life and home. I'm so sad to hear about your sweet Gabriel. That's the hard part about loving a pet, we live longer than they do. I understand we all have seasons in our lives that are difficult. Losing my sister 10 years ago knocked me off my core and it took me a long, long time to recover. Do take care, my friend. I believe people are put in our lives for a purpose and I'm so glad to have "met" you! xo ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, Martha Ellen for your loving thoughts, too. I find it very difficult sometimes to express my emotions in words so really appreciate when someone else does. I'm much better at hugging and crying!
DeleteIt has always amazed me how our lives experiences can be unique in so many ways and yet universal at the same time. I know for sure that I'm not the only one that read your post and nodded with sympathy and understanding. Dreams and ability and talent and opportunity are all wonderful things; gifts for sure. You mentioned the best gift of all, to give everything we are to our Creator and Friend and trust that He will guide us to places of service that we might not have imagined on our own.
ReplyDeleteIt's so nice to hear from you again Glenda. Somewhere along the way I've lost contact with your Blog so have signed up to receive notifications. I love your ability to "tell stories" about your daily encounters. I can see that this is what I need to be doing--writing about the things I notice throughout the day. It will be a wonderful exercise in stirring my writing back to life. I agree that our Creator and Friend is our best gift of all that we can share with others daily. What more purpose can we desire?
DeleteDear wonderful Cathy,,, I feel no one can tell you if you should blog or not.. as somehow you are already know.,. but surely all you say inspires me so much and leads to continual gratitude for life for your blogs. Yours , above all others I might peek into , surely are the best. Itis because you put God in front of it all and let the photos, ad the stories emerge with your truth with His leading you .. but I also know how much work you put into this.. and want to tell you if you step back it has to be for new horizons. NO matter what I think . or feel ..that is not important for I love ALL YOU , aed marvel that you do it all!!! I cannot believe your life and your order and your love for people ad helping thm . word to heal person by person . So I have a double answer.. figures for me huh the girl with two of everything but I want you to take a nice pause...... and do nothing.... and then if you write th blog.. okay but I am also going to celebrate you if you stop the blog for a new beginning in being good to yourself.. in taking time out.. and nurturing..just look at your home page and marvel at it all .. how did you do it all.. how... by being a totally selfless person. Bu maybe it is time for you to love yourself and ask God what He wants you to do .. and you surely , being a good listener will know. what to do. Being a writer I surely hope you write your story.. of now angel Gabriel , never gone ,but now in spirit. and if it is not right to do that then let it go......... and play in your yard. laugh a lot.. rest have tea and walk in the beauty of holiness that you are.. I hope you can spell check this I cannot even see it it is so tiny on my crashing computer you are so loved , so cherished and do not cram more in ..take some out.. and rest,re-juvinate and know that everything you do is interesting, healing, and inspiring even doing nothing at all you shine like no other !!!! . God will have an answer for you in this all. ... hope you put a circle of red leaves on Gabriel's grave for me then dance around them and sing .. in your beautiful gardens of love, Merri
ReplyDeleteThank you, Merri. I will continue to blog as long as I have something interesting to say and it's helpful to get some feedback.
DeleteI so look forward to your blog. I always come away being either uplifted, or brings good things to mind that I may have never thought about. You have blessed many followers. I admire your talents for writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sandy, for letting me know! Your words are very much an encouragement to me.
DeleteYou go, girl! Follow your heart. Blog, if and when inspired to do so. This is the first time in quite a while that you popped up in my email, so I've been out of the loop. So very sorry to hear of Gabriel's absence. Hugs from Alabama ...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sharon. I haven't been writing much lately.
DeleteCathy your blog is always worth visiting as you speak clearly from your heart and your mind, and I always feel enriched and blessed by your words. I miss it when you don't blog (not that I'm blogging much any more ...) but I do check for yours, even if I read it a week or so after you post. I can sort of understand how you are feeling ... loss in any form affects our lives and brings change. I haven't gotten into the rhythm of our retired life yet, and maybe that's part of why I feel like I have less time. I like your attitudes and thoughts about what you're experiencing right now. I will enjoy reading when you write!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Dotsie. I appreciate knowing what I write is meaningful to you and your understanding of where I'm "at" because you can identify with my feelings. It makes me not feel alone. I could never understand how people could up and move when they retire, but now I think they do it because they feel they can only manage it by not having to "face" their former life day in and day out. Trying to start anew is more difficult with constant reminders! But we'll figure it out with God's help!
DeleteOh, Cathy! First of all, I am SO sorry to hear about Gabriel. What a shock. �� I just love dogs, even ones I've never met but feel I "know" somewhat like Gabriel, so my eyes filled with tears reading this news today. Deepest sympathies & a big warm squeeze to you. I know how much it hurts to lose a pet. They're members of our families in every way, and the pain of losing them is just as profound. They're always there - through every ordinary day. They need us to care for them, they think we're the greatest things EVER - & we love them right back. And your Gabriel was such a character! He DESERVED to have stories written about him! I loved it when you included videos of him sniffing around your garden or racing back & forth in the snow. It always looked like he was having the time of his life. And I bet he was! You gave him a wonderful life and if he could speak to you, I'm certain he'd tell you that. AND that he's looking forward to being with you again someday. Now about blogging. I think you should do what YOU want to do. And you should do it regardless of what the "polls" tell you. Do you still look forward to sitting down & putting a post together? If you do, then keep on keeping on! If you don't, or if you enjoy it but want to use that time to pursue other interests, that's what you should do. I'll be very honest - I've always wished you wrote MORE often. In general, you post at Morning Musings about once a month, right? Maybe writing more often but shorter posts would appeal to you? There's no law that says how long a post should be or what the topic should be. Some bloggers have a theme, some write about whatever strikes them at the moment. The posts I've enjoyed the most of yours have been when you've been traveling or visiting somewhere. I've learned all sorts of new things & seen sights I'd never have seen otherwise. For example, I'll never forget how much time I spent on that post where you went to an ethnic festival [sorry I can't remember if it was Lithuanian or Hungarian or whichever]. But it was fascinating & I even found myself going off to look at links you'd included. I'll bet I spent 3+ hours on that post alone. And all the outings your Tasha Tudor group did. They were SO much fun. For someone like me that doesn't get around as easily as I once did, they were just terrific. But first & foremost, they need to be something you look forward to doing. I read somewhere once that for every person that comments on a blog, there are 100+ people that don't. So you [and all bloggers] should know you're reaching a lot more people than you know! I guess it's like your average college lecture. There are 100 students in the room but only 2-3 of them ask questions - LOL. Anyway I hope you decide to keep writing & maybe more often [if that appeals to you]. But whatever you decide, it should be because you love it. In the words of Mama Cass - "Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song..." Take care and again, deepest condolences on your little sweet guy Gabriel [I'll bet his spirit is still around & always will be].❤️��
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet. Thank you for your lovely remembrance of Gabriel. You are so right about the loss feeling profound. As for blogging, with all that has happened, blogging has been something I've tried to keep up but not with the enthusiasm I used to have for it. I am still trying to find what it is I'm to do with my time, but taking it one day at a time and waiting. Everything I've ever gotten involved in doing came to me--I did not go in search of it. I just got an idea and pursued it. Hopefully, there is still something out there looking for me to bring it about! :-)
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