If I move the dollhouse aside, this is the view you see. . . .
This was the view from our bedroom for many years. It was the room I came home to with my last two babies. When our first-born left home we took his room. This becomes our room once again, though, when we have an overflow of guests. That's because the door to the deck is in this room which makes it a public thoroughfare. . . .
I've been going through old photo albums collecting photographs of the transformation this house has undergone in it's 34 years in our care. The view outside this room's windows has changed dramatically. Here is the other window. Originally the view was just grass and a few trees and bushes. . . .
We bought this house with our children in mind. We wanted a place with the kind of yard children would love, enough bedrooms to give them their private spaces, and a basement where they could play to their hearts' content. I once had a furnace repairman remark that he thought I ran a daycare center. I did--for my own children. ☺
I tell you all this to give you some inkling of just how much I loved having children so that you'd understand why their growing up and leaving home has left me feeling "without a purpose" in the ensuing years. Oh, I keep busy, and from time-to-time feel that what I'm doing with my time has value. I get great enjoyment out of web journaling, gardening, hosting the Tasha Tudor gatherings, and all the other projects I take on. And I have a granddaughter now I get to care for several times a month. I understand all the "pep-talk" about "there is only one you" and therefore I'm necessary, etc. And just when I feel content, I no longer am. There's always that underlying "sense of purpose" that seems to be missing. In my mind there is nothing greater than caring for my children, so anything else just does not signify.
I've examined this whole issue so much that I do understand why I feel this way. It's because when they were little they were totally dependent on me. This gave me my sense of purpose. My first-born's flight from the nest was the impetus for writing stories for children as a way to "keep them in the nest," by keeping that part of my life alive. But I was never successful in getting anything published. You could say I'm like a woman who has been in labor for 18 years. I loved being pregnant, but until the child is born into the world you don't feel like you've accomplished anything.
I've examined this whole issue so much that I do understand why I feel this way. It's because when they were little they were totally dependent on me. This gave me my sense of purpose. My first-born's flight from the nest was the impetus for writing stories for children as a way to "keep them in the nest," by keeping that part of my life alive. But I was never successful in getting anything published. You could say I'm like a woman who has been in labor for 18 years. I loved being pregnant, but until the child is born into the world you don't feel like you've accomplished anything.
If I could see life as a journey with milestones and signposts pointing off in different directions, I know I'd be much more content. So my question to you this month is: Do you think of life in terms of "purpose?" Or are you content with smaller goals, going with the flow of the seasons of life? And if so, how did you achieve this viewpoint?
•*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•
Take Joy!
I occasionally feel a little lost and without purpose since my children have grown but I now consider this ME time and took up a lot of hobbies which keep me busy and content. My husband took early retirement du to ill health and we both enjoy each others company and plan trips and outings to fill our days.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about ME time. I do enjoy having it now, and I know I don't have the energy to care for young children full time. That's why I think my problem lies in my point of view about needing a "purpose" behind what I do. I find it very hard to do "unproductive work" and am always looking for ways to do things more efficiently. Things have to have a reason behind them or I find it hard to apply myself! Thanks for sharing!
DeleteI still have a house full of children Cathy & I dread when I do not. Andy & I do so much together with the children, I do not drive so we are always together & that is how it has always been since we were 18. We had our first child & 19 & it seems we have never been without children. Maybe when they leave it will be a special time for Andy & me & to do some things that we have not done so far, but then do I want those things I think I would want a house full of blessings more. Grandchildren are starting to come for us now, another chapter.
ReplyDeleteI love seeing all that you make & do & the work you put in to your gatherings is beautiful.
Off now to put the twins to bed & have a story.
Fondly Michelle
When I commented on your Web Journal this morning I forgot to congratulate you on your great news about becoming a grandmother soon! Your children will keep the flow of children coming so you'll probably never have a time without them in your life. But it isn't the same when they're not your own children. At least mine are not so far away, but ideally, I would have loved for them to live in our town so we could see them even more often and be more a part of their lives now. Having daughters, I should think, will make a difference for you. They will keep you informed of their lives and invite you to be a part of it. Boys, once they marry, as you've probably found out, are a little more removed from us. When you said "a house full of blessings" you reminded me how I feel the emptiness in this house now. I have a better understanding now of why some people sell and move to a different, smaller house when they are empty nesters. . . .
DeleteI don't think I see Life in terms of having a particular purpose, although as a teacher during my working life, I certainly felt like I had a good one. I see things more as a journey and very seasonal. Different times of the year for different things, different challenges and pleasures etc. I didn't feel bereft when I retired but can totally understand why any mother [fathers too] would experience "empty nest" feelings, especially anyone lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn't live with the children I taught all day, every day, all year long. I wasn't intimately involved with each and every aspect of their lives. SAHMs spend virtually 5 years in 24/7 contact with their children, and there is of course the biological and psychological bond too, something else with which teachers don't have to cope. To me, it seems completely natural to me that a pretty major adjustment would be in order after years of caring for children were over. In fact it would seem very odd to me if someone DIDN'T experience sadness, loss, questioning etc. But as we all know, the one constant in the world is change, both welcomed and dreaded ones. I think the ability to make the most of both kinds affect outlook and happiness in a major way. I would say overall I'm fairly content with the seasons of life. I'm lucky that very small things can sometimes make me happy to the point of goofiness, and that's something that NEVER would have been true when I was younger. My own biggest regret is not listening to my parents and others who knew then what I know now. But I tell myself that's not really how things are supposed to work. Kids aren't supposed to be wise. That's something we have to learn - and earn. Great questions today - really made me think. Take care and talk to you soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet. You put it all so well about stay-at-home Moms, as I was. I delayed having children so I could work and save and buy a townhouse with a yard before I had children--and a car. It was the only way we could make it on one income. I invested my entire life in my children so I was not emotionally prepared for them to leave home and not look back! They visit, of course, but there was a disconnect I did not foresee because I continued to feel connected to my parents and actually missed them when I left home. My mother and I wrote weekly letters. We both knew what each other was doing. But you are so right about life having its seasons....and I actually love seasons! The difference, though, is that the yearly seasonal changes always come back around to another Spring, another Summer.....I always felt I was meant to live in a century when women had 9 children or more. I probably would have been GLAD to see the last one leave home!
DeleteCathy, I can identify with your thoughts on being a mother. I never wanted to do anything else but to be a Mom. I will say that as my children became more independent I ventured out into other little part time projects. But they never satisfied me. I am a big homebody. Everything that entails home is where my heart sings. Of course, being a Mom is my most important vocation---it still is for me. My daughter and son still allow me to feel I am needed by them. While we were gone last month our daughter and son-in-law came for a visit with their son who lives with us. I'll have to say that was quite strange not to be in our home for their visit. I say all this to point out I'll never stop being a Mom and all it entails. It is different being a Mom to grown children, but the same for me. ♥
ReplyDeleteMartha Ellen, I'm glad to see there are other Moms who feel the way I do! Perhaps it's because your son and daughter still allow you to feel you are needed by them that makes the difference. My problem is I feel if I acted like a Mom I'd be overstepping my place! It's because I don't feel like a Mom anymore that has me feeling I've lost my identity.
DeleteFrom the time my boys were 4 and 8, I was a single mother... for 10 years before meeting my current hubby. So, although I loved motherhood, it was often tough raising 2 young boys alone. Maybe that is why, when they grew up and had lives of their own, I never had that "empty Nest" syndrome. My boys love me, but they don't NEED me anymore, and that is fine. I love their wonderful independence. I have no grandchildren, and that does not bother me at all. I do believe in purpose in life, it is so important to know what you want to do, what you want to be No matter your age, you can accomplish a dream id you have one. Maybe I am fortunate to have always known my purpose.
ReplyDeleteJeri, I can see where having to raise your boys on your own would give you a different perspective on an "empty nest." But also, I'd think being able to fill your time with your amazing creativity like you do must be fulfulling. I should think if I had something to "show" for my time spent I'd feel a little more fulfilled!
DeleteMorning Cathy,
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you last night, you sound quite sad. I wish you were down the road & you could come & play with the twins, we would have such fun.
Amy lives 2 hours away so not that close, Dan's Mum lives in Lincolnshire too but they do have some of Dan's family were they live. She knows that we are always there for her if she needs anything. Dene & Ellie live 2 1/2 hours the other way, he wants to spend so much time with us, they are so lovely & love spending time with the girls. I expect we will not see as much of them when they start there own family. Life is forever changing isn't it, children grow up so fast.
It is a beautiful day here today, I am going to take some more garden photo's for you.
Fondly Michelle
Thank you dear Michelle. Don't worry about me. I'm just in a lull right now. I am fortunate that my sons are all more or less an hour away so when we do get together it's not too much bother for anyone. I think what I miss most, though, is the hustle and bustle of having the house full. The only time we're all together is on special occasions. Perhaps if I had more visitors that would help! But unfortunately the rest of my family lives a day or two of travel away (or airplane ride). I would definitely take you up on your offer to come play if I just lived down the road! ☺
DeleteI bet, in your case Cathy, that having boys makes a huge difference too. If you had girls, I think you'd be more involved with them still. Boys are just like that. My Mom always used to quote that old chestnut "A son is a son til he takes him a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all her life..." and I have to say, it certainly seems to be true in many families. Girls tend to remain close to their moms, especially after they have kids of their own. Most anyway. My sisters & I did a lot with my Mom, especially those kind of things that my Dad didn't care for too much. He was a huge homebody and always had an excuse for staying home [usually that he was at point X with one of his many projects]. So we girls went with Mom just about everywhere. Shopping, movies, craft & ethnic festivals, flea markets, farmer's markets, all kinds of attractions here in western New York State. We went to a maple sugar farm once that had Saturday morning breakfasts in the Spring, but we didn't go into the woods to see the trees being tapped like you did. We just saw the syrup production part of the process. Every year we dressed up and had dinner at a different downtown restaurant and then went to the Rochester Philharmonic's Christmas Pops concert. We took my niece Julia to "The Nutcracker" when she was about six, I think. Mom and I went to plays at our regional theater, and to Toronto once for "Phantom of the Opera." Mom & I also did other Philharmonic concerts during the year [without my sisters who aren't really classical music types]. Mom had grown up with a lot of good music in her home. Her dad, who died when Mom was 16, played the violin very well apparently, and Mom was always interested in learning more about music. She considered me an "expert" [cough cough] since I'd taken a full year of music history in college. When she'd get the orchestra brochure in the Fall we'd look it over and pick out 4 or 5 concerts, in addition to Christmas. My middle sister Patty & Mom did a cycling weekend in Vermont one Fall, and both Patty and my youngest sister Carolyn went with Mom to New York - twice - in the mid 80s. They saw Lily Tomlin on Broadway in two different shows, and had dinner in the restaurant that was featured in the movie "Moonstruck" and on the second trip the 3 of them had breakfast at "Windows on the World" which was the restaurant at the top of one of the Twin Towers. I wasn't here but it gives me the chills to know the three of them were up there and had the same view/perspective as the people there on that last day. The people who never got a chance to come back down. Good grief, I've written a socking great book & I just meant to send a quick reply. My dad was right - I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. Yackety-yack. Take care and talk to you soon. :>)
ReplyDeleteDear Janet, this monthly post is all about conversation so I'm loving your contribution! My husband is great about going on garden tours and to flea markets with me. And if there's an activity he wants to do that I don't (having to do with cars for instance) he doesn't mind going by himself, so I have the best of both worlds in that sense. But that old adage about son's is TRUE. When Olivia gets old enough I'll finally have my companion to do girl stuff with (like playing with dolls and tea parties). I plan to write her letters every week or so (not e-mail) as soon as she learns to read and write because I want to establish a one-on-one connection with my grandchildren--something I never had with my grandmothers. You have such wonderful memories of your childhood and it sounds like you and your siblings had/have wonderful relationships. This is the plus of having a large family and both sons and daughters. Your Mom probably never had a chance to feel like she was no longer a Mom! ☺
DeleteI love your idea of writing paper letters to Olivia. That's terrific. I'm a C-SPAN buff and the historians there talk about researching a book and how valuable it is to have their subject's letters - something we're losing now because with e-mail and all. Historian are worried about how research will be done in the future - people don't tend to save e-mails. So hang on to that idea! Maybe you've already written some? Even though she won't be able to read them for a while, they'll be fun for her when she can. And which at the rate she's going, I don't think this is very far off. :>)
DeleteJanet, that is a GREAT idea to start writing letters now. In fact, I don't know why I didn't think of it because I wrote a letter to each of my boys on their birthdays (starting at "1") and saved them. On their 18th birthdays I gave them the letters. I have no idea if they even read them let alone what they thought of them. I'm only a little late for Olivia, so I will write that letter now and put it in the box I've started for her.
DeleteDear Cathy,
ReplyDeleteI believe Janet said it best. Life is a journey. The opposite of change is stagnation. And no one wants a life like that.
Reading all the responses, I am sad that we all are not able to get together for coffee and cheer you up! Sometime the blue funk, as my mother would call it, sets in and it can be hard to shake off. I think sometimes we dwell too much on our "purpose" in life and miss all the wonderful little joys that are there everyday. We all tend to fight against change. We were happy as it was. But life isn't like that, it is ever moving, shifting.......changing! Through the years I have just kept putting one foot in front of the other and I always come out the other side!
Keep journaling! We are here on the other end!
Chris
Thank you, Chris. Just "talking" about it here has helped a great deal. In fact, I've come to some new revelations this morning and will be doing a post about it later today. Everything you say is right on target, but sometimes the heart is rebellious!
DeleteHi Cathy, I so enjoyed reading this heartfelt post you wrote. I too sometimes feel like this. It's hard being an empty nester sometimes. It was difficult since I am a routine person and I loved taking care of my children. Maybe that's why I have a cat (it might sound odd) but cats are extremely routine. And, each morning I have something to start off my day with; Lilly. And, I too have my little grandson and that brings extreme joy and a purpose since I do babysit him sometimes. Maybe it's just that things change as we go through life and if you're like me, I don't like change. I too have lots to be thankful for; a wonderful husband, children, home, etc. And, it's good that you have your wonderful family and your hobbies. I think that's what keeps me focused. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend. It's always a joy to read your web journal. Hugs, Pat
ReplyDeleteThank you, Pat, for sharing how you feel. I think just knowing there are others that are going through the same thing helps to make one not feel so crazy! I AM normal. I've had a revelation this morning about where I'm "at" and where I need to "go" that I'll be sharing later today. I'm so glad that you find my web journal a "joy to read." It's comments like that which help give me guidance. Bless you and everyone else who has let me know that what I do DOES make a difference. ☺
DeleteCathy, I certainly understand this and I think a part of it is being mother to only sons, as I am as well. It just isn't the same as having daughters. I was totally into mothering, and took on daughters of friends of mine to do girl things with--I say I "borrowed" girls. But during those busy years I did look forward to time to myself, which I have more of now, and sometimes wish otherwise, which sort of proves we're never satisfied. (This makes me think that deep inside we are longing for our life eventually in heaven.) Anyway I still get a thrill at being able to go out when we want--my husband and I--and not worry about "the boys" back at home. Part of this is more significant now that my parents are no longer living, as I always had them on my mind too. I have enjoyed having more time for crafts and doing things with friends. I love having friends over for lunch or brunch … (though it's hard to get a date that works for everyone.) I am enjoying my grands and doing things with them that I have saved over the years--maybe I enjoy them more than the boys because it's not 24/7. I will be sad when they grow too old to enjoy a grandma who likes to play with them. Not wanting to over spiritualize this, I will also say that part of my contentment comes from knowing my whole purpose for being is to give God glory and honor him--whether in scrubbing my kitchen sink or ironing or helping a friend … it's a way of looking at life that is helpful for me, and I totally believe in it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Dotsie. I'm going to be writing more about this later today because I totally agree with you about as Christians our purpose is to enjoy God and all that He has given us to do and by doing so bring glory to Him and through Him to do good works. Just being kind to people is enough of a purpose in today's world because it's very much needed! I've succeeded in doing this at times, but the fact that this keeps coming back to the surface for me told me it wasn't settled. I'll share more later in my new post later today!
DeletePS I love that pic through your dollhouse room. I would take that same kind of photo!
ReplyDelete